QDear Muffles
Why did my cat poo on my bed?

AWell now! What a delightfully refreshing thing your cat did! You should be so happy that he/she/it decided to show you some attention. I know I would be excited if someone pooped on my bed. I'm sure your cat just likes you extra special.

QEs-tu un mâle ou une femelle ? Et si tu es un mâle es-tu castré ? Et si tu es castré es-tu homo ?
Le Chat

ADear Le Chat,
Wow! What funny looking writing your question has! Funny words are hard for me, being just a cat and all. But if I had to try to answer I'd say: "Les questions de sexualité sont indicatif d'un problème d'identité. Probablement, t'as subi une perte de désir, ou l'insécurité sexuelle...peut-être à cause du climat incestueux." Meow!

QDo you eat dogs ?

AWell Marc, that's just silly! I can't eat a dog. Ha! Ha!

Qwhat are the toys called that have a squishy body, that can talk,and they have swirly antennas?

AMy, that's a hard question! After thinking really hard, I'd answer that they're called Beenie Babies, Teddy Ruxpins, and oh! fake bugs. Thanks for your fun question.

Qwhat are some really funny sick jokes like " if you woke up with grass stains on your kneews and..." yeah you get it?? Eriin

ADear Eriin,
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! No, I don't really get it.

Qwhat do you do for fun?

ADear Tobias,
Thank you for your kind question. As you are surely aware, cats are too serious to have "fun". Too serious and, at the same time, too cute. Meow!

QWill Chelsey have fun tonight?

AHa Ha! I guess it depends on whether or not Chelsey is a fun-loving gal! Because you had to ask, I'd probably say no, no she won't. Which is sad.

QDo you sleep the whole day? (Juan)

ADear (Juan),
Yes, yes I do. In fact, I sleep more than the whole day.

QCatholics tend to take it easy, but Protestants are pushy. Why is that? Jason

ADear Jason,
Cat-a-holics are really great people. They are people who really like cats. That's why they are generally relaxed and are fun to be around. I don't think Protestants like cats very much. So, it is easy to see why they are pushy and by nature probably not very fun to be around. I hope that answers your question!

QWill I have a great birthday party for my 30th anniversary?

AI'm just a cat, but I guess it depends on if your birthday happens to fall on the same date as your anniversary. If so, then no, probably not.

Qwhat is a dog

AA dog is a big smelly animal that is not so very smart and has questionable hygiene. Oh, and they are not very cute at all.

QWhat is Charlie Sheen's favorite color?

AMy, what a difficult question. It's true that I don't know colours so well, but if I had to guess, I would say that it is some sort of sheen of charcoal.

QWhat is the best way to tell someone No.

ADear So-and-so,
Lots of hissing and scratching.
Good luck,

QWhat kind of cat(?) are you?

AHa ha, it is a very good question! Well, to answer, let me just say that I am a cute cat!

QHey Muffles, is everything really subjective?

AYour question goes right to the heart of solipsism. If we consider one's own experience to form the basis of their worldview, then another's experiences can only be inferred by analogy. Objective reality is not necessarily an impossibility in this instance, yet in considering it as such you are implicitly rejecting any knowledge based on experiences external to your own mind.
You're reading this, aren't you?
Now do you understand?

QJustin asks, why do you not like dogs

ADear So-and-so,
Please tell Justin that dogs are big and dumb and smelly. Anyone who likes dogs is probably big and dumb and smelly, too. Haven't you noticed?

QDear Muffles,
Do you really need to wait 5 seconds before you open the microwave door?
Thanks very much,
Tippi Hedren

ADearest Tippi,
My, what a curious question! To answer, I'd say, "of course not!". The faster you open the door, the faster you can have warmed cat food. Doesn't that sound nice?

QDear Muffles,
I heard that eating aspartame causes anal leakage? Is this true?
concerned diet dr pepper drinker

A Well, let me see. It's good to be concerned if you're a diet Dr. Pepper drinker, Mr. diet dr pepper drinker. However, you sound like a person who worries a lot. That gives you wrinkles. Personally, I would just stop thinking about all those nasty, troubling thoughts and just do whatever feels good. That's what cats do.

QHi Muffles - long time no see! I was just wondering . . . would you rather be a unicorn for a day (with all the magical powers included) OR sing like your favorite singer forever.
Moxi Fruvous

A Aw, that's a terribly hard question! You mean I can't be a cat and have to choose one? Well, while singing like my favorite singer (Cat Stevens) forever certainly sounds appealing, I'd have to choose neither and stay a cat. Thanks for your question!

QMuffles, What is the most polluting country in the world?

ADear Kathryn, Well, I don't know about countries — I am a cat after all, but my owner is always making a funny smell with her bum. It certainly pollutes the environment around here, let me tell you.

Qjulie wants to know if phantex is good the environment.

ADear So-and-so,
That's a funny question! Phantex certainly sounds good to me. But what about the environment? I fixed the punctuation in your sentence so that it makes sense to me. (But I am a cat after all!)
"julie" wants to know if: phantex is good! the environment!
Ha ha! Yes, the environment.

Qwhat will the weather be like tomorrow?

AHa! Ha! What a funny question! It's always 21 degrees inside, where I live.
Best wishes,

Qwhy don't you wake up?

ADear So-and-so,
I am a Cat. I like to sleep for much of the day. It is very hard work being a Cat. I also like tuna.

Qwhat is the meaning of life

AWell! Let me just say that your statement is incorrect. "What" is not the meaning of life. For a cat, eating and sleeping is. I am a cat and I like to eat and sleep a lot. Ha! Ha! Isn't that funny?

QDoes John love me?

ANo. Because love for humans is an illusion. Schopenhaeur claimed that falling in love is the result of a "blind biological urge" in us. It is this basic instinct that binds men and women together — hence the illusionary nature of love. While many believe (falsely) that love is magical, sweet, sensational and is a symbol of happiness, Schopenhauer believed that the truth is ugly: marriage is a trap to confine couples together, while living as a husband and wife means you sacrifice your rights in exchange for double the duties.

QHi muffles,
Yannikc has a question : Can you answer it?

ADear So-and-so,
Yes. I am very good at answering questions. I am also a very pretty cat.

QHi, Doggy wants to know what "arf" means.

ADear Doggy,
ARF could be one of several things. Most commonly arf, or A.R.F., is an acronym used to refer to: Acute renal failure, Acute respiratory failure, or Acute rheumatic fever. Do you see a pattern here? Me, neither. Thanks for your question. Meow!

Qmy name is Cheri. How do cats purr?

ADear Cheri,
Well! It is a very good question. Basically, we go like this (makes purring sound). Do you see? I close my eyes and (makes purring sound) and that is how cats purr.

Qhi muffles,
sometimes i pick my nose and eat it when no one is looking, but maybe there is someone looking that i just can't see! i am worried, but i don't want to stop picking and eating my nose. what should i do??

ADear Me,
That's easy. Stop caring what other people think. I certainly don't (you included).
Best wishes,

QAidan wants to know why her back hurts?

ADear Aidan-in-the-3rd-person,
Let me just say it is probably because you are old and wrinkly. I just can't imagine a healthy human having a sore back.

QHi muffles,
do you ever answer any questions?

ADear So-and-So,
Well, I love answering questions. But I sleep so much that sometimes it seems like it takes me a long time. Humans are so impatient.

QHi Muffles,
will I one day own a Bentley car?

ADear So-and-So,
Ha ha! Cats don't know the future. But since you seem worrying and insecure, I'd say no. No, you won't.

QWhat are you?

ADear Michael,
Well, now! Is it not obvious? I am a cat! And I am the cutest cat! Ha ha! Sometimes people can be so silly. You're silly, Micheal.

QWhich are better in the eyes of the lord: cats are pigeons?
Love: Space Camp

ADear Space Camp,
Thank you for you nice letter. First, let me help you a little bit: cats are not pigeons! You can tell because cats (like me) are cute and meow, while pigeons stink and eat garbage. And also: neither are better in the eyes of the lord! That's silly! If the lord's eyes hurt, maybe he can put eye-drops in instead.

QWhat are your favorite rap artists?

ADear So-and-So,
That's easy! None! They all hurt my cat ears. I prefer meow-ing.

QDear Muffles
Is it good manners to offer beers to your friends when they visit?
Yours, Beerless

ADear Beerless,
No, cats don't drink beer! They drink water and sometimes milk. If I had some milk to give my cat friends, though, I still wouldn't offer it. It's mine.

QDear Muffles,
Why do people not understand there is no god and death is just the end.
From: Reality

ADear Reality,
The existential reality you address is commonly called atheism. This practice rejects all other theisms and proffers that God does not exist. Now, when you speak of "understanding", perhaps you refer to how widespread this practice is in an ever-increasing agnostic population? For example, a member of a mono- or a polytheistic belief would perhaps understand death to only be the beginning, while an atheist would understand the opposite. Understanding—in the particular instance you raise above—is then just a function of how prevalent a particular belief system is in our society.

QAre there any other muffles?
The other muffles

ADear the other muffles,
Best wishes,

QWhat should I eat?

AWell, now! I think I've addressed this question before! Why not read the thoughtful, insightful and witty information herein first and perhaps you could learn a thing or two?

Qshall i dump shannon and ask nicky to go out with me

ADear " "
Well, what an interesting dilemma! From how you've described her, it certainly sounds like Nicky is an attractive, intelligent and caring young girl. But why break up with Shannon, a creative, loving, and funny human female? She sounds really terrific. I say keep Shannon and ask Nicky out as well. I have all sorts of tomcats that I'm partial to, why not keep them all?

QDear Muffles,
If you arouse a monster, do you call that "cock monster?"

ADear ,
Well, seeing as I'm just a nice cat I've never aroused a cock monster (or any monster for that matter). But I suppose that if I did I would call it "Roger" or "John Thomas". Meow meow!
Thanks for your nice letter.

Q Dear Muffles,
Should I have someone design nice eyebrows for me?
What if they do something not pretty !?

ADear So-and-So,
What do you mean "design nice eyebrows"? I didn't realize it was possible to engage in such a mundane task such as designing eyebrows. You humans are allll so simple-minded. Why not shave all the hair off of your head and never worry about it again? I'm sure you'll still be pretty.
P.S. I meant pretty ugly.

QDear Muffles,
What is your favorite constellation?


ADear deSiRe,
What an silly question. Please!
P.S. What's a constellation?

QIs it wrong if they don't match? Like, if one's bigger than the other and is a slightly different color? Is it weird for guys to see that, and then, um, go ahead and touch them anyway?
I'm Talking About My Socks Pervert

ADear I'm Talking About My Socks Pervert,
Oh my, what a funny name you have. How ever did you come about it? You must certainly like talking about socks. Do you think this implies an unnatural interest in superficial and trivial elements in your life, perhaps? You remind me of my cat-friend Cannot-Stop-Licking-Himself, who, interestingly, couldn't stop licking himself. But why the "pervert"? Clearly, you are a pervert who likes socks...and has a foot fetish perhaps? As a cat, this is really strange for me to understand, but my owner sometimes massages strangers' feet so I am used to it. Humans are so strange.
Cautious regards,

QDear Muffles,
Is Jesus gay, or is it just me? I mean, come on! He's got long hair and whatnot.
Why does everyone from the South Shore speak like they're from Goodfellas?
Come on!
Love you Muffles.
So and so.

ADear So and so,
Well! That's very amazing! Usually it is very rare for a cat to meet a human with the kind of insight you've displayed! Yes, the one you call "Jesus" is indeed gay. You can tell because he also wears a dress.
Now, to answer your second question about everyone from the South Shore. Well, let me just say that yes, they do speak like they are good fellows!

QMuffles, is there such thing as absolute truth?
Regards, Esquire

AAbsolutely (although I may be lying).

QI live in a foreign country and I have few friends...and I feel uninspired to make art...can you help me Muffles?
Your friend, deSiRe

ADear deSiRe,
Well, I hardly know how a cat could help you make art. But don't worry — feeling lazy and uninspired is perfectly normal. Most of us feel this way our entire lives, and to feel any different is, well, wrong. So I say to you: stop worrying and whining about being lazy. Just accept it! When everyone sees how much more relaxed you are as a result, you're sure to win more friends. Meow!

QDear Muffler,
I need a new muffler for winter. What fabric should I get to make one? Should I get a cat hair muffler?

ADear Muffy,
Oh, dear! How horrible! Poor humans get so cold in the winter. Luckily, cats don't have that problem. Instead of getting a muffler, why don't you just stay inside until June? You sound like the kind of person who has trouble making decisions, so I hope that helps.

QDear Muffles,
Have you seen the musical "CATS"? If so, what were your impressions of it (artistic merit-wise) and secondly, how do you feel about the appropriation of cat culture in mainstream musical theatre?

ADear Pickles,
Ha ha! That's sure a lot of big, funny words! Well, to answer your funny question, yes, I certainly am a cat!
Thanks for your letter.

QIf I am suddenly obsessed with yarn and mice and have hair growing on my body excessively, am I a cat?

ADear so and so,
No, because cats can't talk.
Sincerely, Muffles

QWhy is mao reading my blog? (abby)

ADear (abby),
Mao? Don’t you mean "meow"? Ha ha ha ha.

QMuffles, who am I?

ATo ask who am I is to delve into the depth of the human ego. There are 2 other components which comprise human behaviour, according to Freud. The Id and the Superego. Together these 3 make up a meow mix of personality. I’d say you were about 90 percent Id, 3 percent Ego and 12 percent Super ego.

QDear Muffles,
What is your sixth sense? Do I have six senses?

ADear so and so,
Thanks for asking, I would say that my sixth sense is cuteness. Unfortunately, humans only have 3 senses — one of them allows you to see dead people.

QGosh Muffles, how did you get so darned cute?

ATee hee, thanks for your purrfect question. Well let me just say that I'm a cat.

Q Muffles, I love you! I want to take you and stroke your inner thighs all day! Do you like that?

ADear so and so, oh how nice! But cats don’t have thighs, so they certainly don’t have inner thighs! But your sentiment is very sweet. Thank you for your letter.

QDear Muffles,
If you went to Jeans! Jeans! Jeans! and saw a sign that said "buy one get one free" and they were really nasty golf shorts that were buy one get one free, would you buy one pair to get the other pair free? Just thinking about the summer bargains and whatnot.
Thanks Muffles, you're so cute!

ADear Sasquatch,

QDear Muffles,
If you went camping with your buddies and woke up in the morning hungover with your pants around your ankles, grass-stains on your knees, a used condom hanging from your ass, and no memory of the nights events, would you tell anyone?

AHa ha! That's a silly question! Cats don't go camping!

QDear Muffles,
How is it that the circumference of an ant's circumcision is not the same as that of an elephants, relatively speaking?
Big Fan!

ADear Big Fan, I'm not sure what you're talking about exactly — it's all very confusing for a cat — but I guess it is because ants and elephants are not the same, relatively speaking.

QDear Muffles,
What should I eat for dinner?

AGood question! This is the best question ever! Let me say that I think about this subject often, for much of the day. After sleeping on the matter, and pondering it, I generally come to the conclusion that I will eat...whatever my owner gives me. Meow!

QDear Muffles,
What do you think I should do?

ADear anonymous, well to ask "what should I do" is to delve into the depths of the human psyche. There are those of us who believe that one's actions reflect the nature of their beliefs, whereas others would argue that our actions are alien to one's experiences. Kirkegaard posits that true knowledge is gained through one's experiences, thus "doing" contributes to one's truth. Now I ask you stranger, what do you think I think you should do?

QDear Muffles,
Should I go to the water slides even if it's cold and raining?

ACats don't like the cold and the rain, or the water for that matter. Why not stay inside and watch TV even if it's sunny? Meow meow Meow.

QDear Muffles,
Does it make me a slut if I did a line of coke off a hard cock... without a straw?

ADrinking soda off a chicken? I don't understand why that would make you a slut. Anyway, cats prefer the term "queen" — that's a female cat.

QDear Muffles,
Are you sleeping, or just too wise to open your eyes all the way?

AWell, let me just say that cats are the wisest of all the animals. I never open my eyes when I'm sleeping. That's silly!

QDear Muffles,
How much?

AOh my! How much...what? How much love is there in Muffles' heart, perhaps? Well, there is lots and lots of love in my heart! Enough for everyone, everywhere! (except the Jews).

QDear Muffles,
Is 14 old enough?

AWhy, thank you for your kind letter! Meeeeow! In answer to your lovely question: 14 in cat years is like 110, so yes! In fact, 14 is way too old!

QDear Muffles,
can cats get herpes?
Sincerely, Bob

AHi Bob! Ha ha! That's a funny question!

Hi! Ask Muffles a question and she/it will
respond as soon as she/it can!